Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
I try to get all my news from FB