first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.