First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.