First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.


[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]


4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”


Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”


There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t


teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]


Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?


8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal


*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.