I’m dying louder than usual today.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss
8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.