First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.