First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.


[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.


I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin


*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight


before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war


Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.


She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?


Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…