My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.