Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?