@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

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@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@firebrand3

I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@hippieswordfish

before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

@UghNotAgain

Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@squirrel74wkgn

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…