@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

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@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

@williamwanton

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@DanMentos

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?