“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones