@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

- @Jennarater

You Might Also Like

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@NewDadNotes

God: hey can we talk?

Cat: what’s up?

God: I thought you loved the humans?

Cat: I love them so much!

God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.

Cat: I’m playing hard to get.

God: oh.

Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.

God:

Cat: omg did they say something about me?

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@HavocMantis

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

@SortaBad

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

@slaughthie

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much