me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date