Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.