fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
me opening up to someone
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?