fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.


Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?


I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank


I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.


Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure


Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…


Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol


The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.