@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

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@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@o__0Dev

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

@Just_Lee_

I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

@ziamalso

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.