Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people