Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”