@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.

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@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

@joetullar123456

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@paulablu22

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@AnniemuMary

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

@BlindChow

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan