My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.
Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan