Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
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*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”