Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.