It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
yes… yes…
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy