Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then