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@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@smint

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

@FannyB1tch

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

@iamburtjarvis

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

@david8hughes

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then