[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!