Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Shower sex be like:
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase