Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.