@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

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@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@thatUPSdude

Thanksgiving,

A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@rebrafsim

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

@dril

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@fro_vo

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times