12:00am – Government shuts down
12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again
12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero
12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana
12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times