Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means