FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

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But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.


Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?


Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.


TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late


Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy


In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.


Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A.

It’s been over an hour.


[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*


*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*


I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old