But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A.
It’s been over an hour.
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*
*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old