FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?