Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Does your wife know you’re single?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I can’t wait!
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.