Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
That 👊
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks