Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
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going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus