Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?