@jwoodham: FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
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@Laser_Cat: *gets pulled over* Do you know how fast you were going? *pulls string* *inflates emergency mustache* Oh sorry officer. You're free to go.
@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?
@TheAlexNevil: 6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his: "Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad."
@KentWGraham: I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.