Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!