FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
consequences, the bane of my existence