Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.