I have a big butt and I can not lie.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!
Baby spy: *covers face with hands*
Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???