Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.


I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.


If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail


JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?


Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.