@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@CopBroughtPizza

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@panmidwest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.