Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
called in thicc to work this morning
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Donkey Kong sommelier
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.