@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

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@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

@Tytayniss

Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???