five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Always…
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
These are too funny not to post 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?