@MadamBetteNoire

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

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@Bill_Nye_tho

i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals

@HenpeckedHal

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

@ThisLocalHater

I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior

@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@bourgeoisalien

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

@abbycohenwl

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

@IfIwassomething

I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.