Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..