@LuckyToken1

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

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@blade_funner

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@hamspamtymaam

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

@Kesse_GH

A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data

@ryangriffiths

I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.

@_odlanyeR

Single by choice, just not my choice.

Damn you, 19th amendment!

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@foursquids

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now