Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data
I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Single by choice, just not my choice.
Damn you, 19th amendment!
– Spider tinder
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now