Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Very good news from my accountant
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus