“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.