Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
“Five year plan?”
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.