@withanewname

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@sugabelly

I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒

@TheBoydP

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

@TheAlexNevil

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

@sophielou

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

@urmumsausername

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.