At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.