fixed it
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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
it must be school picture day
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o