Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m crying im so happy for them
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
#parenting
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.