Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents