Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean