Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod