Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!