[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.
“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job