[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.