[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

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[jumps in Uber]


UBER: [starts driving]


[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO


what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs


*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”


I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.


“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*


February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*


Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.


The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.


Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job