@fillthevacuum

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

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@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@girl_a_whirl

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@funWindow

Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now

@_Ashley_Jordan

I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@prufrockluvsong

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime