*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
*smile calls police*
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime