@PinkCamoTO

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

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@leshnevsky

– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?

@Topcat_007

New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”

@GroovyTasia

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

@andlikelaura

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

@truegritrumble

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

@Inconsteveable

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

@TragicAllyHere

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Me: Ya?
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Him: ..
Me: You planning to come back?