*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!