“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”
Online dating in the 1920s
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!
“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic