Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I didn’t come here to be called names
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.