@MichaelTrying

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

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@brennadine

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

@KaysNH

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@zachreinert03

Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich

@tuckerflodman

Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”

@WheelTod

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic