Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
You Might Also Like
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.