@AllanForsyth

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

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@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

@richkidelii

Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@Schmoodles

I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.

@LibyaLiberty

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

@Roweboat13G

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.