*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
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I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance