Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
You Might Also Like
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess