@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

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@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@nyquills

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@MegsHAUSTED

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

@drinksmcgee

When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@TuffyNyC

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”