I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
You Might Also Like
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”