IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies
ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning
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Me high af: are you in line?
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
ME: Please let me go
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
– Spider tinder
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free