Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years