@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning

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@joejwest

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

@CharismaFueled

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

@stevevsninjas

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

@Harpers_Halo

When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@PinkCamoTO

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free